An App that allows Nigerian women to check the marital status of Nigerian men. This will be an instant hit. With this app, all ladies at the receiving end of ‘Toasting’ will be able to enter a man’s name or photograph and the app will instantly tell them if the man is or has ever been married, or is on his way to being married. This app will offer a 30-day free trial, and a monthly subscription afterwards. Possible name: eYanshOpener
An auto mechanic start-up that combines an e-Commerce website that sells genuine spare parts with a rating system for mechanics. This one is sorely needed as well. If you’ve ever suffered at the hands of Nigerian auto-mechanics, you will not wish them on your worst enemy. We therefore sorely need something that helps us all to avoid ‘The Mecho from Hellfire’. It will name and shame mechanics under various categories: the ones who always use original spare parts but double the price; the ones who always use fake spare parts but double the price; the ones who you take problem A to and return your car with problem B; the ones who abandon your work as long as you’re not there with them breathing down their neck; etc. Possible name for the App: OgaMecho
An Owambe Tracking App (OTA): This is especially important for all you party people who need a way to track what’s going on Saturday after Saturday. This ‘geo-located’ App will provide a list of all the ‘Owambes’ in your neighbourhood, ranked by ‘happeningability’, i.e. the most happening (groovy) to the least happening. Happeningability will be determined by a complex algorithmic process that takes into consideration the venue (Lagos Island >>> Lagos Mainland), the small chops quotient, the aso ebi index and a host of other critical factors. It will assist you in maximising your Saturdays, giving guidance as to which of the multiple Owambes to prioritize (in case you’re one of those popular-jingos overwhelmed by party options), the best times to show up, even the best seating (from a food service point of view). Possible name for the App: OTApp, or eWambe.
A Polygraph for Social Media: This App will be able to ‘catch’ people lying about their lives and experiences on social media. That person who went to see a new movie and who slept off because the movie was 110% boring, but came out tweeting or Instagramming: ‘Awesome Awesome Movie – best thing I’ve seen this year #AllWorknNoPlay #FunTimes #MadtEvening #Talent’; that person whose husband is a wife-beater, but who floods social media with lovey-dovey photos hashtagged: ‘#GreatestHubzInDaWorld #BestFriend #MyHubzIsBetterThanYours – all those people will instantly be ‘tagged’ by the App, and all their friends will privately get what is called a ‘PinokiNote’ notification. (The bigger the lie the longer the ‘nosemoji’). Possible name for the App: LieLie
An Uber for Employers: Nigeria is the Ground Zero of Inhumane Employment. It is the preferred land for employers who win newspaper awards and social media shoutouts even while owing their employees four months’ salary and even though they never remit pension deductions. We need an App that allows the workforce to rate employers the way passengers rate an Uber Driver. Without a modicum of shame, these Irresponsible employers will never change their ways. Possible name for the App: Arrearsgram or Salaribook
A Google for Gbese: Another Nigerian tradition – owing people for goods or services delivered yet going ahead to splash photos of luxury purchases and vacations on social media. Many of Nigeria’s so-called Big Men and Big Women have giant reputations for going through life on other people’s money. It has actually been suggested that the richer you appear to be in Lagos the easier it is for you to not feel an obligation to pay people for what they sell to you. Of course, vendors are always falling over one another to sell to you; they assume that because you’re a Big Boy or Big Girl you’re going to pay and maybe even tip them handsomely. So when you call them up – to supply chairs for your birthday party, or build you a website, or deliver a piece of art to them – no one’s going to be bold enough to ask for payment before delivery. No one wants to offend a mogul, right? Back to the main point, we need a Google for those shameless debtors – search them out, shame them, shut them up! Possible name for the App: iGbese or PayMiMoni
An Age-based Social Media Platform (for ‘Elders’): Social media has allowed too many young’uns to disrespect their elders, by ‘slamming’ first names on their heads, refusing to prefix messages with ‘Sir’, ‘Ma’, ‘Egbon’, ‘Daddy’, ‘Mummy’, etc; by trolling them as if they’re mates; refusing to wait until they’re spoken to before they speak. That tells me that we need either a whole new social network built to uphold the fundamental Nigerian human right for Respect, or an ‘add-on’ for existing social media platforms that makes it impossible for you to disrespectfully address someone older than you. It will evaluate your date of birth and prevent you from being able to address a tweet or post to an older person using non-deferential language. I can tell you it’s going to be a big hit with Nigerian parents and grandparents. Possible name for the App: iSeniorU