4-Naira Dollar – Tolu Ogunlesi

4-Naira Dollar - Tolu Ogunlesi

How much is dollar?

400, last.

400 for what?

Oga, dollar don cost for market o.

Wetin happen nah? Isn’t this the same dollar we were buying at 4 naira in 1986?

Ah I see. I know what you need my man.

What do I need?             

You need a Time Machine.

Oga, stop playing with me abeg. I no dey mood.

No be play o. It’s not play. I’m serious. You want 4-naira dollar? I’m telling you it’s available, but you need to travel to 1986 to get it.

How is that even possible?

I’m telling you it is possible. You have come to the right place! We have original Time Machines for sale. They’ve been selling like hot cakes. Look, see our records. We imported 20 last week, only two left.

Imported from where?

That’s a business secret.

So you’re using our scarce dollar to import Time Machines that people will use to buy 4-naira dollar?

If the customers are demanding for it, who are we to say no? We’re running a business here Sir.We will provide anything our customers demand.

Let me see the Time Machine.

Are you buying or not?

Let me see it first.

Only if you’re buying.                

Wait, how much is it sef?

The Time Machine? It’s only 4,000,000 naira Sir.    

Four million naira? Only? And that’s why you’re making noise? Do you know who I am?

Four million only, no story. And cash, no cheque.

So did you buy the machine with 1986 dollars?

Again, that’s a business secret.

Is the Nigeria Police Force aware that you’re selling these machines?

See this man o. Police is not only our friend here, they are also our biggest customer. Leave story. Who no like beta ting?

I see. So you’re saying the Police are also interested in 1986 dollar?

I didn’t say that o. Don’t misquote me, please. Why must it be dollars that the police are chasing? Why can’t a Time Machine help them solve long-forgotten crimes? Why shouldn’t they be able to travel to 1986 to recover vital evidence that’ll help critical investigations?

Okay calm down. I don’t need a lecture. Give me the machine.

Now you’re talking! Money for hand…         

Hol’up one second. Can we come to a meaningful agreement? I have a proposal.

Oga, I no dey do proposal o. In my life I have only done one proposal and na to my wifey.

At least listen to me first, eh?

I’m listening.                             

Let me pay 10 percent cash, now.The balance will comeunfailingly as soon as I’ve bought the machine.

Come again Sir?        

Let me pay 10 percent cash now. The balance will come unfailingly, as soon as I’vebought the machine.

I look like a fool to you, abi? Like an idiot,amugu! You will use my machine to find the 1986 dollars that you will sell at 2016 price to pay for the machine. Before you call me an idiot I will call you foolish!

You don’t need to insult me abeg. I made a proposal, just say yes or no. It’s as simple as that. Why are you Nigerians like this?

Oga oya, come and be going. I’m done with this conversation. You’re wasting my time.

Oya give me the machine nah. I will pay for it. I hope there are no terms and conditions that will affect my enjoyment of the machine.

What do you mean?                                                                   

I don’t want to pay for the machine and then hear that the 4-naira dollar is scarce like 197-naira dollar o. In other words, I don’t want story! When I get to 1986, I want to find 1986 dollars in abundance!

No story Oga. As long as the machine takes you to 1986, you will find all the 4-naira dollar you’re looking for in this world.

What do you mean,‘as long as’? What are you saying? Can the machine take me somewhere else?

Not really. But you know these machines. Only God is perfect. Machines can be perfect 99.99999%, but only God is 100% perfect.

I don’t understand.

Any machine can malfunction at any time. It once sent a customer to 1786, I tell you. But in all honesty,that has only happened once. I think the man carry bad luck for head, I swear. 1786. He find dollar tire! But as I said, only God cannot fail. Our Time Machine does not fail, but it can fail.

May God Almighty punish you for this nonsense you’re telling me!


The Interview Editors

Written by The Interview Editors

The Interview is a niche publication, targeting leaders and aspiring leaders in business, politics, entertainment, sports, arts, the professions and others within society’s upper middle class and high-end segment in Nigeria.