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Black Friday Blues

Yet again another Black Friday is come and gone. I promise I am not going to talk about the frustrating experiences disappointed Black Friday enthusiasts here in Nigeria have shared with me. I am not going to tell their stories how the network was always busy whenever they wanted to clinch those mouth-watering deals (sometimes 90 per cent discounts) and then when they finally get in, the said item would be labeled as sold.

Elsewhere such as the US, Black Friday deaths have been reported in big departmental stores like Macys and Wal-Mart. What can one say about these needless deaths? It is a Black Friday, after all.

I don’t even want to dabble into the various theories behind Black Friday but since we have also decided to take full ownership of this culture, can we please consider tailoring it to the length of our cloth just like our democracy? I am sure many of us still remember the homegrown democracy line sold to us eons ago by – you guessed – our homegrown politicians!

We are in recession and all these 50 per cent or even 90 per cent slashes on electronics and phones cannot help us; our homegrown needs are beyond those crazy and unrealistic deals always thrown around by smart business owners on Black Fridays.

For instance, people have asked why landlordsand their agents cannot be like the rest of the global business community and accept only 50 per cent rent from tenants onBlack Fridays. We know what that can do for many families now, especially those living in Abuja.

There have also been whispers about bride price with emphasis on my state Imo, which is known for pre marriage lists usually long enough to hang an unprepared prospective groom with a lightweight bank account. A Black Friday’s 75 per cent slash will work wonders here.

The possibilities are endless and you are free to add yours to these.

But our greatest need in this country from where I stand is how to kill corruption before it kills us all. In case you are still in doubt of the monster’s present status just check with EFCC and be convinced that corruption is a full-blown and thriving industry in Nigeria. The country has been so violently and mindlesslly raped that it is a miracle it hasn’t fallen apart completely.

So, let’s do it this way going forward; can Black Fridays become Nigeria’s looting-free day. Okay, I get it, that’s asking for too much right? I will revise my prayer; can they give 50 per cent rebate on the looting quota of every Black Friday? That means they would only steal 50 per cent of whatever they had planned steal on that day?

Just imagine the 469 lawmakers in Abuja, the lawmakers in the states, state governors and their deputies, the ministers and especially the civil servants sheathing their looting swords just half way!

Schools will be built, roads will be repaired and more primary health care centres will appear in every local council in this country. Now that will be a better Black Friday for us, one we all can relate with.  Yes, I understand it would be a great sacrifice on their part but it won’t kill them.  And perhaps, 10 or 15 Black Fridays from now, Nigeria would be saved.

But who will sponsor the Black Friday bill and who will pass it to make this happen?

Maybe we should ask Google!

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