You Are Banning The Wrong Crowd, Mr President

The Interview Magazine Frontpage
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Dear President Trump,

Of course, I was one of those literally dazed when you became the president of the exceptional United States. Not necessarily because I cared much for Hilary.  No, not after sometime in 2009 when I read Hillary’s Secret War, a book written Richard Poe. Since then I haven’t been so enamoured with her anymore. But that is another story.

But you becoming America’s 45th president? Many of us just didn’t see it coming.

Anyway, you are there now and within just a few days, it is becoming clear why the world shuddered at the mere thought of your presidency. But you know the most beautiful thing of it all; there is absolutely nothing any of us in the rest of the world can do about it.

You’re answerable only to the American people.

Don’t even mind those over-zealous activists crying human rights this and that and prancing all over the place. It’s your America and you can do absolutely whatever you want with it.

My only grouse is that you seem to have ignored the real culprits causing eternal imbalance in the universe – made in Nigeria politicians and public officials, and civil servants. These are indeed very special breed. Like the Yoruba would say, won tiba aye patapata (they have destroyed the world completely). Perhaps the memo hasn’t reached your table yet.

They’re a terrible lot.

We need these people to be restricted from entering the US for now, except for very important bilateral meetings; and this restriction must start from the presidency.

You see, such visits are usually accompanied with so much drama, including social media battles on who should be on the First Lady’s itinerary, whether or not her make-up artist should make the team, the length of her gown and whether the neckline is low or high enough for a proper Muslim first lady. The fights are usually so ferocious that our people, especially the youth, would be too distracted for weeks after from the urgent task of rebuilding our nation ravaged by you know who!

The next on your ban list should be our state governors, including those in the Constituted Authority division. Yes, they should all be banned from the US for now. All their children in American universities should also be sent back by an executive order immediately. After all, how would they understand our home grown democracy if they spent all their grooming in foreign democracies?

That is not all. If they had to attend the universities in the states their fathers govern we would soon say goodbye to such institutions being shut down for seven months and counting. The same goes for hospitals and other basic facilities tragically absent in the so-called giant of Africa.

 You may not know this but in Nigeria we always pride ourselves on harvesting the dividends of democracy from any situation, (oh, you can’t begin to imagine the different shades of our famous home-grown democracy and I suggest one of your executive orders should sweep it into America immediately).  We can readily recollect such enviable dividends even from the last trip of our president when your predecessor was in the White House.

We saw those comrades we had always known with khaki sprouting almost oversized designer suits and posing for photos beside sullen looking brand new wives

We also saw billboards littering a capital city in the South East. The governor of that state had the rare privilege of shaking hands with your predecessor and the taxpayers had to pay for it on his return.

Let’s also not forget those in the National Assembly. Very soon we will hear they want to attend training programmes in your country, ostensibly to understudy Congress or whatever reasons they may fabricate. Please ensure they are not granted visas.

Not only do they use such avenues to drain our meagre resources, we don’t want hear stories that touch the heart about secret videos shot in hotels and unsavoury allegations of some of them soliciting certain kinds of women. Such stories are not healthy for a country in a recession like Nigeria.

Furthermore, they have always told us that Nigeria’s democracy is home grown, anytime they want to explain away their numerous shenanigans. Why then are they still wandering about outside the country, looking for what is not lost?

We are also hoping that with you as the most powerful person in the world right now, you can help us extend this service to other countries especially in Europe. We have already seen the almost chummy relationship between you and PM Theresa May.

Can you kindly whisper to her ears this urgent request from us while she is still in the Brexit mode? Convincing her and other EU leaders shouldn’t be that difficult at this time.

Believe me, MrPresident, if you do this for us you would have indirectly solved the under-development challenge in the most populated nation of black Africa without a single dollar in aid.

Now, wouldn’t that be a great legacy for your presidency?

The Interview Editors

Written by The Interview Editors

The Interview is a niche publication, targeting leaders and aspiring leaders in business, politics, entertainment, sports, arts, the professions and others within society’s upper middle class and high-end segment in Nigeria.